Jokes and humour

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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Sat 22 Jul, 2017 5:14 pm

ribuck wrote:Lopo, I see from your scan that there is no requirement that Bungee Jumping be undertaken with ropes.

LOL! I missed that! Also, snow skiing has no skis, scuba diving has no tanks, no raft, no horse, no sail and no bike. Sounds safe to me.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby MickyB » Sat 22 Jul, 2017 5:34 pm

How do you make a cat go 'Woof'?
Soak it in petrol and then throw a match on it.

How do you make a dog go "Meow'?
Run over it quickly with a circular saw.
I nearly had a psychic girlfriend but she dumped me before I met her.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby nath4n77 » Sat 22 Jul, 2017 6:22 pm

I was sick bushwalking alone. I decided to get a dog.
I knew an old blacksmith, who was giving his old dog away. I went to visit him and ended up taking the old dog home.
As soon as we got inside, he made a "bolt" for the door.



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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Mon 24 Jul, 2017 6:17 pm

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump. At the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him. He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!" A shot rang out and Trump fell dead. As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted Mickey Mouse. "I'm sorry" he said, "I meant to shout 'Donald, duck!'"
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Zzoe » Wed 26 Jul, 2017 10:06 pm

From our six year old:

Why did the spider cross the road?
He wanted to find a new website.

From our ten year old:

Why can't you run in a camp site?
You can only ran past tents.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ribuck » Wed 26 Jul, 2017 11:49 pm

Those are great, Zzoe. Young children love word play, don't they?
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Son of a Beach » Thu 27 Jul, 2017 9:21 am

ribuck wrote:Those are great, Zzoe. Young children love word play, don't they?


Yes, but people who are not actually a father should not tell Dad jokes. That would be a "faux pa".
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Thu 27 Jul, 2017 10:40 am

I will see if we can have a groan button installed.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby peregrinator » Thu 27 Jul, 2017 2:13 pm

Lophophaps wrote:I will see if we can have a groan button installed.


No need. BYO.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Fri 28 Jul, 2017 11:06 am

Korea magnet medals.png
Korea medals magnet
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Moondog55 » Sun 30 Jul, 2017 10:11 am

Stealing this one from a mate
Q What happens when a frog parks illegally in a handicapped space
A It gets toad away
Ve are too soon old und too late schmart
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Wed 02 Aug, 2017 2:43 pm

The truth.jpeg
The truth, or not.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Moondog55 » Sun 06 Aug, 2017 12:46 pm

Well there is a snack that I see no mention of so far. It is very popular in certain ethnic areas of Melbourne and should catch on soon, it used toi be very popular in Paris or so I have been told
After all everybody has heard about the Barker Roll
Ve are too soon old und too late schmart
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Moondog55 » Fri 11 Aug, 2017 11:44 am

For the cat people both lovers and haters

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender says, "what'll you have?" The cat says, "A shot of rum." The bartender pours the cat his drink. The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table. "Another."
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Neo » Sat 12 Aug, 2017 4:21 pm

Why are pirates called pirates?
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby johnw » Sat 12 Aug, 2017 8:08 pm

Neo wrote:Why are pirates called pirates?

I''ll probably regret this. OK why are pirates called pirates?
John W

If I could not walk far and fast, I think I should just explode and perish. ~Charles Dickens
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby MickyB » Sat 12 Aug, 2017 8:45 pm

Moondog55 wrote:For the cat people both lovers and haters

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender says, "what'll you have?" The cat says, "A shot of rum." The bartender pours the cat his drink. The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table. "Another."


:? :? Huh!!! Did you finish typing this joke or am I just a bit slow today?
I nearly had a psychic girlfriend but she dumped me before I met her.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Moondog55 » Sat 12 Aug, 2017 11:16 pm

johnw wrote:
Neo wrote:Why are pirates called pirates?

I''ll probably regret this. OK why are pirates called pirates?


AAAARRRRRRRRRR That would be the telling that would
Ve are too soon old und too late schmart
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Moondog55 » Sat 12 Aug, 2017 11:18 pm

johnw wrote:
Neo wrote:Why are pirates called pirates?

I''ll probably regret this. OK why are pirates called pirates?


I'll tell you for a Faaaaaarrrthing
Ve are too soon old und too late schmart
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby taswegian » Sun 13 Aug, 2017 6:48 am

MickyB wrote: :? :? Huh!!! Did you finish typing this joke or am I just a bit slow today?


Cats have a habit of watching something (for egs on a table) for a while then gently sliding it off the table and watch it crash to the floor. They swipe with their front paw.
Can be quite amusing, especially when they look at you whilst doing it.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Neo » Sun 13 Aug, 2017 6:58 pm

Because they arr
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Neo » Sun 13 Aug, 2017 7:00 pm

What's brown and jumps a motorcycle over your trail mix at 100mph?
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Tyreless » Sun 13 Aug, 2017 7:07 pm

If your trail mix has gone rancid.... evil the weevil?
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Neo » Sun 13 Aug, 2017 7:13 pm

Weevil Knievel
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Neo » Sun 13 Aug, 2017 7:14 pm

That's my two jokes.
Next!
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Mon 14 Aug, 2017 8:40 am

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Quickie.jpg
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O two.jpg
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Fillings.jpg
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ribuck » Tue 15 Aug, 2017 1:53 am

If you're going to try cross-country skiing, at least start with a small country.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ribuck » Tue 15 Aug, 2017 1:56 am

A bushwalker arrived at the Nattai River when it was in flood. Seeing another bushwalker on the other bank, he shouted out "Hey, how do I get to the other side?"

The other bushwalker thought about it for a bit, then shouted back "I think you are on the other side".
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ribuck » Tue 15 Aug, 2017 2:07 am

Bob and Betty went bushwalking one weekend. Bob returned late on Sunday night, carrying two backpacks. His family asked what happened to Betty. "She had a massive heart attack," replied Bob, "She just collapsed on the track and died."

"Do you mean to say that you left her there, and brought back her backpack?" they asked.

"It was a difficult decision," explained Bob, "But I figured that no-one would steal Betty."
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ribuck » Tue 15 Aug, 2017 2:23 am

Tom and Harry walked from Govetts Leap, and arrived at Acacia Flat campsite just as a huge storm broke and the heavens opened. What's worse, they discovered that they had forgotten to pack their tent.

The only other person at the campsite was a very attractive lady who had a tent that seemed easily big enough for them all, so Tom and Harry asked her if they might share it.

"I realise it's terrible weather outside and I have this huge tent all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid I just couldn't let you stay in my tent."

"Don't worry," Tom replied. "We'll be happy to sleep in the vestibule. And we'll be gone at first light, so you can still cook your breakfast there."

The lady agreed, and the two men squeezed into the vestibule and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had improved and, as promised, they got on their way and enjoyed a great walk out back to Govetts.

Nine months later, Harry got an unexpected letter from a lawyer. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was about the attractive widow they had met while bushwalking.

He phoned his friend Tom and asked, "Tom, do you remember that good-looking widow who let us sleep in her tent vestibule when we were walking in the Grose Valley?"

"I sure do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, and pay her a visit in her tent?"

"Yes," Tom said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her yours?"

There was silence on the line for a moment or two then Tom said, "Yeah, sorry pal. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything!"
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