Jokes and humour

For topics unrelated to bush walking or to the forums.

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ribuck » Tue 15 Aug, 2017 2:26 am

If you are kayaking and you get cold, don't try to light a fire on your kayak, for it will burn a hole and you will sink. As they say, you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ribuck » Tue 15 Aug, 2017 6:33 am

A banker was sick and tired of the pressure and stress of his job. One summer, he packed his backpack and took off into the bush.

He pitched his tent on a hillside. Once a week, or so, he made his way into the nearest village store and topped up on groceries. Apart from that he lived in total peace and tranquility, with a campfire every night, and gorgeous views every day.

After twelve weeks of almost total isolation, he was lying on his airbed one afternoon, reading a book, when a big ugly bushwalker approached. "Name's Will ... I've walked in from the other side of the hill. Having a party Saturday ... thought you'd maybe like to come."

"Great," says the banker, "After nearly three months of this I think I'm ready to meet some folks again. Thanks."

As Will turned to leave, he added, "Got to warn you though, there's going to be quite some drinking. Serious drinking."

"That'll not be a problem, after 25 years in the banking business, I can drink with the best o' them."

Again, as he started to leave Will stopped. "More than likely there'll be some fighting."

Damn, the banker thought, a tough crowd. "Well, I can get along alright with most people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Will turned from the door. "There will be sexual activity too. Wild sex, and lots of it!"

"Now that's definitely not a problem," said the banker. "Remember I've been on my own for three months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?''

Will stopped in the door again, turned, and said, "Whatever you want, there's just going to be the two of us."
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Son of a Beach » Tue 15 Aug, 2017 7:40 am

The chief of a small pacific island loved being lord of his people, and also to demonstrate that he was better than the chiefs of neighbouring islands and villages. He made it a regulation that visiting dignitaries should always bring a gift of a new throne for him to sit on. Then for the duration of their visit, he would use the fancy new throne while his subordinates and visitors all sat on the dirt.

Each time a new visitor came along with a new throne for the chief, the old throne was stored in a disused house - a typical village hut - with all the other old thrones.

Over time, the old house where the old thrones were stored became full, and one day while the villagers were trying to stuff in one more throne, it could not handle the pressure and the entire hut collapsed, with thrones spilling in out in all directions.

So the moral of the story is that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Tue 15 Aug, 2017 8:36 am

I'll have to see about having a groan button installed. LOL.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Moondog55 » Tue 15 Aug, 2017 12:38 pm

Lophophaps wrote:I'll have to see about having a groan button installed. LOL.


Yes please
and as soon as possible. I thought my jokes were bad but currantly that one takes the bun
Last edited by Moondog55 on Wed 16 Aug, 2017 9:57 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Neo » Tue 15 Aug, 2017 4:15 pm

Ribuck are these jokes your own invention?
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ribuck » Tue 15 Aug, 2017 5:06 pm

Neo wrote:Ribuck are these jokes your own invention?

Not at all, Neo. They are jokes I found elsewhere, then rewrote in the context of bushwalking.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby cajun » Wed 16 Aug, 2017 9:44 am

Seeing we are being punny - here is one of my faves, courtesy of Kerry O'Keefe:

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant.

"I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
And he sees the vision splendid of the sunlit plains extended,
And at night the wondrous glory of the everlasting stars.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Tortoise » Wed 16 Aug, 2017 10:53 am

A duck sees a pond on the other side of the road, and is about to head over to it. Along comes a chicken and says "Don't do it, mate! You'll never hear the end of it. "
Last edited by Tortoise on Wed 16 Aug, 2017 3:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Son of a Beach » Wed 16 Aug, 2017 11:51 am

Tortoise wrote:A duck sees a pond on the other [side of the] road, and is about to head over to it. Along comes a chicken and says "Don't do it, mate! You'll never hear the end of it. "


Having little regard for the chicken's advice, the duck crossed the road, and then just to spite the chicken, it rolled about in the mud on the edge of the pond.

After crossing the road again, back to where the chicken was still waiting, the chicken said to the duck, "You're a dirty double-crosser!"

(My kids taught me that one.)
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Wed 16 Aug, 2017 11:26 pm

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. Surprise! Surprise! It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory, just 1 byte. Then everything crashed.

Terrorist.jpg

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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby GBW » Wed 16 Aug, 2017 11:40 pm

Is that an XP?
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Moondog55 » Thu 17 Aug, 2017 11:06 am

"Why did the dinosaur cross the road"
"Chickens hadn't evolved yet"
9YO joke
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Thu 17 Aug, 2017 7:55 pm

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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby crollsurf » Fri 18 Aug, 2017 5:18 pm

Some funny "You know your're a hiker when... " jokes here https://sectionhiker.com/you-know-youre-a-hiker-when/
I can add a few of my own
    When you start loitering around the freeze-dried section of the supermarket
    When your wife wakes up and finds you're on top of the blanket in a sleeping bag/quilt
    When you go to the hiking shop to look for a new pair of work shoes.
    When you walk up to the shops in the rain in your wet-weather gear instead of driving
    When you drive half way to work and walk the other half to stay fit
    When you take the dog for a walk and the dog turns back first
    When the top draw of your bedside table is overflowing with maps and other hiking paraphernalia
    When you have a socks draw, an undie draw and a draw for bushwalking socks and undies
    ...
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ribuck » Mon 21 Aug, 2017 6:41 am

Two Australians were bushwalking in Ireland, when they became lost. "We must be in a cemetery," said one, "because here's a gravestone. Wow, this guy lived a long time, 95!"

"And what was his name?" asked the other bushwalker.

"Miles from Dublin, it says on the stone," came the reply.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Wed 23 Aug, 2017 12:05 pm

A filthy rich Florida man invites all of his friends and neighbors to a party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. He also invites Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating BBQ and flirting with all the women.

There was a 10 foot alligator in the pool and after a few hours of partying the host announced, "I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in the pool." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and Leroy was in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and the water was churning and splashing everywhere. Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, punching it and attempting to strangle it. He finally succeeded and left it floating in the water as he slowly climbed out of the pool. The onlookers were staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I guess I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want It," says Leroy.
The rich man says, "I have to give you something you won the bet. How about half a million bucks?"
Leroy says, "No thanks, I don't want it."
The host says, "I insist on giving you something. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy declines.
Confused, the man asks him, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy says, "What I want is the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool!"
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby neilmny » Thu 24 Aug, 2017 7:58 am

Like
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby north-north-west » Thu 24 Aug, 2017 6:48 pm

Lophophaps wrote:A filthy rich Florida man ..."


This should be Australianised to Alan Bond and Crocodile Dundee.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Tue 29 Aug, 2017 10:41 am

Alan Bond was thrown in the shark tank - jail.

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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Tue 29 Aug, 2017 9:36 pm

It's important to avoid wearing clothing inside out. This is a good example of why this is so:

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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ribuck » Sun 10 Sep, 2017 11:52 pm

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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Thu 14 Sep, 2017 6:35 pm

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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ChrisJHC » Fri 15 Sep, 2017 6:22 am

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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Mon 25 Sep, 2017 4:52 pm

Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected. Enjoy!

1 Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3 Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4 If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6 War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9 I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10 In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

11 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy .

12 You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13 I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

14 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15 Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16 You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17 I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ChrisJHC » Mon 25 Sep, 2017 7:52 pm

And from Terry Pratchett (and camping related):

If you make a fire for a man he'll be warm for a day. If you set fire to him he'll be warm for the rest of his life!


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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby walk2wineries » Wed 11 Oct, 2017 11:30 pm

whitefang wrote:A ham sandwich walks into a bar, the bar tenders says, "Hey we don't serve food in here!"


Three blondes walk into a bar. You'd think one of 'em would have seen it.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ChrisJHC » Thu 12 Oct, 2017 8:33 pm

Moondog55 wrote:"Why did the dinosaur cross the road"
"Chickens hadn't evolved yet"
9YO joke


I'm sure I heard it well before 2008!
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby GBW » Sun 15 Oct, 2017 3:28 pm

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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby MickyB » Sun 15 Oct, 2017 3:58 pm

walk2wineries wrote:
whitefang wrote:A ham sandwich walks into a bar, the bar tenders says, "Hey we don't serve food in here!"


Three blondes walk into a bar. You'd think one of 'em would have seen it.


A nose walked into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry! I can't serve you. You're off your face!"
I nearly had a psychic girlfriend but she dumped me before I met her.
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