Jokes and humour

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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ChrisJHC » Tue 06 Mar, 2018 3:11 pm

A long time ago I was hiking with a mate when he got bitten in the groin by a snake.

I hiked back to the nearest phone, rang 000 and asked them what to do.

They said to make a small cut in the shape of an "X".
They then said to suck the poison out or he would die (this was a long time ago).

I hiked back to my mate and he said "What did they say?"

I responded "They said you're going to die".
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Tue 06 Mar, 2018 3:54 pm

I'm fine too! LOL.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ribuck » Tue 06 Mar, 2018 5:42 pm

Alternative ending:

A long time ago I was hiking with a mate when he got bitten in the groin by a snake.

I hiked back to the nearest phone, rang 000 and asked them what to do.

They said to make a small cut in the shape of an "X".
They then said to suck the poison out or he would die (this was a long time ago).

I hiked back to my mate and he said "What did they say?"...

...I responded: "They said I have to cut an "X" in your groin and suck it".

"Actually", my mate replied, "I think I'm fine".
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby GBW » Thu 08 Mar, 2018 6:36 pm

t-rex: aye look a shooting star make a wish
raptor: I wish I was dead
t-rex: lmao
t-rex:
t-rex:
t-rex: aye that sh*t looks kinda close dont it
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Sat 24 Mar, 2018 1:14 pm

Easter eggs.jpeg
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Yoga.jpeg
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Moondog55 » Sat 24 Mar, 2018 1:30 pm

I was thinking of chocolate coated Brussells Sprouts
Ve are too soon old und too late schmart
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Mon 26 Mar, 2018 7:41 am

Worms.jpg
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I was having a stroll through the Cemetery yesterday when I came across some council workers digging up a grave.
Being the nosy parker I am, I went over and said, "What's going on?"
The bloke in the hole said, "We're exhuming this body."
"Oh, is it part of some ongoing murder investigation?" I asked.
"No," he replied, "Centrelink have deemed him fit for work!"
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Wed 30 May, 2018 6:42 pm

Song of Joyce

Come, sing a song of Joyce,
He is hypocritical.
Song, sing a song of Joyce,
For he is political.

Once he was second from top,
Turnbull's right hand man.
No longer there
Now he is free
Begging with hands before him.

Reach out and take new love,
A new love that lasts eternal.
Forever more.
Then sing a song of Joyce,
Mistress is now his partner.

Come, sing a song of Joyce
Media income story.
Sing, sing a song of Joyce,
Barnaby in his glory.

One mighty act that will last,
His dark sordid past,
Forever more.
Then sing a song of Joyce,
For love and understanding.

Come, sing a song of Joyce
Media income story.
Sing, sing a song of Joyce,
Barnaby in his glory.

One mighty act that will last,
A dark sordid past,
Forever more.
Then sing a song of Joyce,
For love and understanding.

Come, sing a song of Joyce
Barnaby in his glory.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Tue 17 Jul, 2018 9:06 pm

God's Plan for Ageing

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose co-ordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to toilets, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older

1 Death is the number one killer in the world.

2 Life is sexually transmitted.

3 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

4 Men have two motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

6 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

7 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

8 In the 1960s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

9 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ChrisJHC » Wed 18 Jul, 2018 7:21 pm

Lophophaps wrote:God's Plan for Ageing

5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.


Or as Terry Pratchett put it:
5.a. Light a fire for a person and they'll be warm for a day. Set fire to them and they'll be warm for the rest of their life!
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Thu 19 Jul, 2018 9:36 pm

I had not considered setting a person alight. Some leaders ...

Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall. .. But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
She stood before me, trembling in my shed. "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me." So I took her to Bunning's.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read that book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly. "Mmm, kinky!" she purred. "Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."
"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished." So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!" "Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos. "I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Tortoise » Wed 17 Oct, 2018 5:48 pm

3 statisticians go deer hunting. Suddenly they see a huge buck, and two of the statisticians quickly draw their arrows and shoot. One misses the buck by a metre to the left. The other misses by a metre to the right. The third statistician jumps up and down yelling, "We got 'im! We got 'im!'
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