Jokes and humour

For topics unrelated to bush walking or to the forums.

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ChrisJHC » Tue 06 Mar, 2018 3:11 pm

A long time ago I was hiking with a mate when he got bitten in the groin by a snake.

I hiked back to the nearest phone, rang 000 and asked them what to do.

They said to make a small cut in the shape of an "X".
They then said to suck the poison out or he would die (this was a long time ago).

I hiked back to my mate and he said "What did they say?"

I responded "They said you're going to die".
ChrisJHC
Athrotaxis cupressoides
Athrotaxis cupressoides
 
Posts: 312
Joined: Sat 25 Feb, 2017 8:22 pm
Region: Victoria
Gender: Male

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Tue 06 Mar, 2018 3:54 pm

I'm fine too! LOL.
User avatar
Lophophaps
Auctorita modica
Auctorita modica
 
Posts: 2583
Joined: Wed 09 Nov, 2011 9:45 am
Region: Victoria
Gender: Male

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ribuck » Tue 06 Mar, 2018 5:42 pm

Alternative ending:

A long time ago I was hiking with a mate when he got bitten in the groin by a snake.

I hiked back to the nearest phone, rang 000 and asked them what to do.

They said to make a small cut in the shape of an "X".
They then said to suck the poison out or he would die (this was a long time ago).

I hiked back to my mate and he said "What did they say?"...

...I responded: "They said I have to cut an "X" in your groin and suck it".

"Actually", my mate replied, "I think I'm fine".
User avatar
ribuck
Athrotaxis selaginoides
Athrotaxis selaginoides
 
Posts: 1050
Joined: Wed 15 May, 2013 3:47 am
Region: Other Country
Gender: Male

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby GBW » Thu 08 Mar, 2018 6:36 pm

t-rex: aye look a shooting star make a wish
raptor: I wish I was dead
t-rex: lmao
t-rex:
t-rex:
t-rex: aye that sh*t looks kinda close dont it
User avatar
GBW
Phyllocladus aspleniifolius
Phyllocladus aspleniifolius
 
Posts: 767
Joined: Fri 02 May, 2014 9:03 am
Location: Melbourne
Region: Victoria
Gender: Male

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Sat 24 Mar, 2018 1:14 pm

Easter eggs.jpeg
Easter eggs.jpeg (49.08 KiB) Viewed 5515 times


Yoga.jpeg
Yoga.jpeg (39.62 KiB) Viewed 5515 times
User avatar
Lophophaps
Auctorita modica
Auctorita modica
 
Posts: 2583
Joined: Wed 09 Nov, 2011 9:45 am
Region: Victoria
Gender: Male

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Moondog55 » Sat 24 Mar, 2018 1:30 pm

I was thinking of chocolate coated Brussells Sprouts
Ve are too soon old und too late schmart
Moondog55
Lagarostrobos franklinii
Lagarostrobos franklinii
 
Posts: 8691
Joined: Thu 03 Dec, 2009 4:15 pm
Location: Norlane Geelong Victoria Australia
Region: Victoria
Gender: Male

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Mon 26 Mar, 2018 7:41 am

Worms.jpg
Worms.jpg (26.16 KiB) Viewed 5464 times


I was having a stroll through the Cemetery yesterday when I came across some council workers digging up a grave.
Being the nosy parker I am, I went over and said, "What's going on?"
The bloke in the hole said, "We're exhuming this body."
"Oh, is it part of some ongoing murder investigation?" I asked.
"No," he replied, "Centrelink have deemed him fit for work!"
User avatar
Lophophaps
Auctorita modica
Auctorita modica
 
Posts: 2583
Joined: Wed 09 Nov, 2011 9:45 am
Region: Victoria
Gender: Male

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Wed 30 May, 2018 6:42 pm

Song of Joyce

Come, sing a song of Joyce,
He is hypocritical.
Song, sing a song of Joyce,
For he is political.

Once he was second from top,
Turnbull's right hand man.
No longer there
Now he is free
Begging with hands before him.

Reach out and take new love,
A new love that lasts eternal.
Forever more.
Then sing a song of Joyce,
Mistress is now his partner.

Come, sing a song of Joyce
Media income story.
Sing, sing a song of Joyce,
Barnaby in his glory.

One mighty act that will last,
His dark sordid past,
Forever more.
Then sing a song of Joyce,
For love and understanding.

Come, sing a song of Joyce
Media income story.
Sing, sing a song of Joyce,
Barnaby in his glory.

One mighty act that will last,
A dark sordid past,
Forever more.
Then sing a song of Joyce,
For love and understanding.

Come, sing a song of Joyce
Barnaby in his glory.
User avatar
Lophophaps
Auctorita modica
Auctorita modica
 
Posts: 2583
Joined: Wed 09 Nov, 2011 9:45 am
Region: Victoria
Gender: Male

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Tue 17 Jul, 2018 9:06 pm

God's Plan for Ageing

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose co-ordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to toilets, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older

1 Death is the number one killer in the world.

2 Life is sexually transmitted.

3 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

4 Men have two motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

6 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

7 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

8 In the 1960s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

9 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
User avatar
Lophophaps
Auctorita modica
Auctorita modica
 
Posts: 2583
Joined: Wed 09 Nov, 2011 9:45 am
Region: Victoria
Gender: Male

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ChrisJHC » Wed 18 Jul, 2018 7:21 pm

Lophophaps wrote:God's Plan for Ageing

5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.


Or as Terry Pratchett put it:
5.a. Light a fire for a person and they'll be warm for a day. Set fire to them and they'll be warm for the rest of their life!
ChrisJHC
Athrotaxis cupressoides
Athrotaxis cupressoides
 
Posts: 312
Joined: Sat 25 Feb, 2017 8:22 pm
Region: Victoria
Gender: Male

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Thu 19 Jul, 2018 9:36 pm

I had not considered setting a person alight. Some leaders ...

Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall. .. But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
She stood before me, trembling in my shed. "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me." So I took her to Bunning's.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read that book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly. "Mmm, kinky!" she purred. "Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."
"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished." So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!" "Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos. "I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.
User avatar
Lophophaps
Auctorita modica
Auctorita modica
 
Posts: 2583
Joined: Wed 09 Nov, 2011 9:45 am
Region: Victoria
Gender: Male

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Tortoise » Wed 17 Oct, 2018 5:48 pm

3 statisticians go deer hunting. Suddenly they see a huge buck, and two of the statisticians quickly draw their arrows and shoot. One misses the buck by a metre to the left. The other misses by a metre to the right. The third statistician jumps up and down yelling, "We got 'im! We got 'im!'
User avatar
Tortoise
Lagarostrobos franklinii
Lagarostrobos franklinii
 
Posts: 3625
Joined: Sat 28 Jan, 2012 9:31 pm
Location: NW Tasmania
Region: Tasmania
Gender: Female

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Moondog55 » Tue 19 Feb, 2019 9:22 am

She's single....She drives a new 40' Tiffin coach....She's camped right across the street and I can see her coach from my kitchen window!

I watched as she got home from shopping this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, under my awning and knocked on the door !
I opened the door, she looked at me and said: "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to go dancing and drinking, and maybe fool around a little....you know, have some fun. Are you doing anything tonight?"

I quickly replied: "Nope, I'm free !"

"Great !" she said. "Can you look after my dog ?”

Being a senior citizen really sucks.
Ve are too soon old und too late schmart
Moondog55
Lagarostrobos franklinii
Lagarostrobos franklinii
 
Posts: 8691
Joined: Thu 03 Dec, 2009 4:15 pm
Location: Norlane Geelong Victoria Australia
Region: Victoria
Gender: Male

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby vagrom » Tue 19 Feb, 2019 10:37 am

Q: How do you titillate an ocelot ?
A: You oscillate it's tit a lot.

----------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a mountain goat and a gold fish ?
A: One mucks about in fountains.
Andiamo, on y va - let's go .
User avatar
vagrom
Phyllocladus aspleniifolius
Phyllocladus aspleniifolius
 
Posts: 727
Joined: Thu 25 Mar, 2010 10:27 pm
ASSOCIATED ORGANISATIONS: Friends of Cleland CP, yha.
Region: South Australia

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Aardvark » Tue 19 Feb, 2019 6:06 pm

Q: What's the difference between a Scottish sea captain and a bilge pump?
A: A bilge pump sucks and sucks and never fails.

Q: What's the difference between a battle horse and a cart horse?
A: A battle horse darts into the fray.
Ever on the search for a one ended stick.
Aardvark
Athrotaxis cupressoides
Athrotaxis cupressoides
 
Posts: 144
Joined: Sat 28 Jul, 2012 6:15 am
Region: Queensland
Gender: Male

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Neo » Tue 19 Feb, 2019 6:45 pm

Cheers, got most of them
Neo
Athrotaxis selaginoides
Athrotaxis selaginoides
 
Posts: 1152
Joined: Wed 31 Aug, 2016 4:53 pm
Location: Port Macquarie NSW
Region: New South Wales
Gender: Male

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby neilmny » Wed 20 Feb, 2019 3:13 pm

Aardvark wrote:Q: What's the difference between a Scottish sea captain and a bilge pump?
A: A bilge pump sucks and sucks and never fails..................


Please explain.........I've obviously missed something :oops: :?
User avatar
neilmny
Lagarostrobos franklinii
Lagarostrobos franklinii
 
Posts: 2360
Joined: Fri 03 Aug, 2012 11:19 am
Region: Victoria
Gender: Male

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby vagrom » Wed 20 Feb, 2019 3:22 pm

This'll be good.
Andiamo, on y va - let's go .
User avatar
vagrom
Phyllocladus aspleniifolius
Phyllocladus aspleniifolius
 
Posts: 727
Joined: Thu 25 Mar, 2010 10:27 pm
ASSOCIATED ORGANISATIONS: Friends of Cleland CP, yha.
Region: South Australia

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby north-north-west » Wed 20 Feb, 2019 5:36 pm

neilmny wrote:
Aardvark wrote:Q: What's the difference between a Scottish sea captain and a bilge pump?
A: A bilge pump sucks and sucks and never fails..................


Please explain.........I've obviously missed something :oops: :?


It is a gross disparagement of the maritime capabilities of Caledonian skippers and also a suggestion of their preferred landside activities.
"Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens."
User avatar
north-north-west
Lagarostrobos franklinii
Lagarostrobos franklinii
 
Posts: 11317
Joined: Thu 14 May, 2009 7:36 pm
Location: The Asylum
ASSOCIATED ORGANISATIONS: Social Misfits Anonymous
Region: Tasmania

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Aardvark » Wed 20 Feb, 2019 6:02 pm

I just thought the weather was a little inclement around Scotland
Ever on the search for a one ended stick.
Aardvark
Athrotaxis cupressoides
Athrotaxis cupressoides
 
Posts: 144
Joined: Sat 28 Jul, 2012 6:15 am
Region: Queensland
Gender: Male

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby tastrax » Thu 21 Feb, 2019 9:07 am

neilmny wrote:
Aardvark wrote:Q: What's the difference between a Scottish sea captain and a bilge pump?
A: A bilge pump sucks and sucks and never fails..................


Please explain.........I've obviously missed something :oops: :?


lets take the second one..

Q: What's the difference between a battle horse and a cart horse?
A: A battle horse darts into the fray.

therefore a cart horse "farts into the dray"....

.... likewise the captain spends quite some time copulating and never sails :-)
Cheers - Phil

OSM Mapper
User avatar
tastrax
Athrotaxis selaginoides
Athrotaxis selaginoides
 
Posts: 1659
Joined: Fri 28 Mar, 2008 6:25 pm
Location: What3words - epic.constable.downplayed
ASSOCIATED ORGANISATIONS: RETIRED! - Parks and Wildlife Service
Region: Tasmania

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby vagrom » Thu 21 Feb, 2019 9:11 am

'Twas on the good ship Venus ?
Andiamo, on y va - let's go .
User avatar
vagrom
Phyllocladus aspleniifolius
Phyllocladus aspleniifolius
 
Posts: 727
Joined: Thu 25 Mar, 2010 10:27 pm
ASSOCIATED ORGANISATIONS: Friends of Cleland CP, yha.
Region: South Australia

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Aardvark » Thu 21 Feb, 2019 6:57 pm

Yes, ...in the crows nest was Carter
by christ he was a farter
when the wind wouldn't blow and the oars wouldn't row
Carter would farter harder.
Ever on the search for a one ended stick.
Aardvark
Athrotaxis cupressoides
Athrotaxis cupressoides
 
Posts: 144
Joined: Sat 28 Jul, 2012 6:15 am
Region: Queensland
Gender: Male

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Aardvark » Thu 21 Feb, 2019 7:00 pm

What's the similarity between the Starship Enterprise and a toilet bowl?
They both circle Uranus and get attacked by Klingons.
Ever on the search for a one ended stick.
Aardvark
Athrotaxis cupressoides
Athrotaxis cupressoides
 
Posts: 144
Joined: Sat 28 Jul, 2012 6:15 am
Region: Queensland
Gender: Male

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Aardvark » Thu 21 Feb, 2019 7:11 pm

A fireman comes home to his new wife.
He advises her that they have a bell system at work.
The first bell goes and they put their uniforms on.
The second bell goes and they slide down the pole and run to the truck.
The third bell goes and they're racing to the scene of the fire.
He tells her that he wants to employ a similar system at home.
When he gets home he will yell 'bell one' and she will run up to meet him, front and centre.
Then he will yell 'bell two'. They will tear their clothes off and run into the bedroom.
On 'bell three' they will start making passionate love.
She is very compliant and says 'sure'.

The next night he arrives home and yells 'bell one'. She appears in front of him.
He yells 'bell two'. They tear their clothes off and run into the bedroom.
He then yells 'bell three'.They start making passionate love.
After ten minutes she yells 'bell four'.
He says 'bell four, what's bell four?'
She says, 'more hose, you're nowhere near the fire.
Ever on the search for a one ended stick.
Aardvark
Athrotaxis cupressoides
Athrotaxis cupressoides
 
Posts: 144
Joined: Sat 28 Jul, 2012 6:15 am
Region: Queensland
Gender: Male

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby vagrom » Fri 01 Mar, 2019 5:35 pm

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18- hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says
"Well that's great ... some ars-hole's got my pen" .
- Robert Nashwicke.
User avatar
vagrom
Phyllocladus aspleniifolius
Phyllocladus aspleniifolius
 
Posts: 727
Joined: Thu 25 Mar, 2010 10:27 pm
ASSOCIATED ORGANISATIONS: Friends of Cleland CP, yha.
Region: South Australia

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lamont » Sat 02 Mar, 2019 12:30 pm

It's go time...Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum.
User avatar
Lamont
Phyllocladus aspleniifolius
Phyllocladus aspleniifolius
 
Posts: 628
Joined: Sun 21 Feb, 2016 1:27 pm
ASSOCIATED ORGANISATIONS: Societe' de Lamont Cranston
Region: Victoria

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby vagrom » Fri 08 Mar, 2019 6:54 pm

Thor the God of Thunder
Was riding on his filly,
I'm Thor! he cried,
the horse replied -
Then where's your thaddle, thilly !
Andiamo, on y va - let's go .
User avatar
vagrom
Phyllocladus aspleniifolius
Phyllocladus aspleniifolius
 
Posts: 727
Joined: Thu 25 Mar, 2010 10:27 pm
ASSOCIATED ORGANISATIONS: Friends of Cleland CP, yha.
Region: South Australia

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby vagrom » Fri 08 Mar, 2019 8:34 pm

!!
Attachments
Screenshot_2019-03-08-18-59-18-1-1.png
Andiamo, on y va - let's go .
User avatar
vagrom
Phyllocladus aspleniifolius
Phyllocladus aspleniifolius
 
Posts: 727
Joined: Thu 25 Mar, 2010 10:27 pm
ASSOCIATED ORGANISATIONS: Friends of Cleland CP, yha.
Region: South Australia

Previous

Return to Between Bushwalks

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests