Jokes and humour

For topics unrelated to bush walking or to the forums.

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Biggles » Mon 07 Aug, 2023 1:48 pm

One afternoon, a door-to-door salesman came to our house. My wife answered the door.
"Hello. Would you like to buy a book titled '500 Excuses to Tell Your Wife After Staying Out Late'?"

My wife asked, "Why on earth would I buy a book like that!?"

He answered, "Because I sold a copy to your husband earlier today."
Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
—Oscar Wilde, 1890.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Son of a Beach » Wed 23 Aug, 2023 9:24 am

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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby north-north-west » Wed 23 Aug, 2023 10:55 am

Son of a Beach wrote:
9qxk54lrr1d91.jpg


OK, that one is superb. Might even steal it for FB.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Son of a Beach » Wed 23 Aug, 2023 4:01 pm

north-north-west wrote:
Son of a Beach wrote:
9qxk54lrr1d91.jpg


OK, that one is superb. Might even steal it for FB.


Yes... quite a bit of set-up involved to make that one work, but it's a corker.

(Nobody else in my family got it. Fair enough... none of them have seen the preview of 'Alien'. They're all a lot younger than I am - even Daughter-in-law of a Beach.)
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby north-north-west » Wed 23 Aug, 2023 4:43 pm

In return:
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Tortoise » Wed 23 Aug, 2023 6:53 pm

Son of a Beach wrote: Nobody else in my family got it. Fair enough... none of them have seen the preview of 'Alien'. They're all a lot younger than I am - even Daughter-in-law of a Beach.

Thanks for the link for us oldies who never watched Alien, nor even the trailer! :)
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Thu 24 Aug, 2023 10:00 am

Air Traffic Control Gems

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles…"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees."
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
"United 239 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this… I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the *&%$#! war."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the Tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

***

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Fort Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose-to-nose with a United 727. An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie Taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage at the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance to engage the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby vagrom » Fri 25 Aug, 2023 12:46 am

The unusual case of the dyslexic devil-worshipper, who sold his soul to Santa.

And the Indian who drank too much tea. He drowned in his Tipi.

Verbal agreements aren't worth the paper they're written on.
Last edited by vagrom on Tue 29 Aug, 2023 1:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Son of a Beach » Tue 29 Aug, 2023 7:40 am

Farewell boiled water. You will be mist.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Wed 20 Sep, 2023 9:42 am

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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Son of a Beach » Thu 26 Oct, 2023 8:57 am

oh dear...

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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Thu 26 Oct, 2023 9:05 am

These should be good for the Larapinta or the Western Arthurs.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cx0s2E1M ... FlZA%3D%3D
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby GBW » Thu 26 Oct, 2023 3:14 pm

Lophophaps wrote:These should be good for the Larapinta or the Western Arthurs.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cx0s2E1M ... FlZA%3D%3D

Haaaaa. Some of this fashion stuff is ridiculous. I'd like no. 4, the fur coat thanks.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Thu 30 Nov, 2023 9:35 am

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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Wed 06 Dec, 2023 10:22 am

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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Tue 19 Dec, 2023 7:25 am

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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby GBW » Sun 12 May, 2024 7:29 pm

I'm posting this with a heavy heart fellow bushwalkers.

As much as I love exploring new areas, connecting with nature and all the other benefits bushwalking gives me, it is taking up way too much of my time. I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics of cleaning and cooking and maintaining my home, so something has to give. I will be getting rid of my collection.

Below is a list of what's available. Serious inquiries only, and please don't insult me with low offers.

Thanks for reading and understanding...

1. Dustpan and brush
2. Sponges
3. Toilet spray
4. Mop (I’ll keep the bucket)
5. Window cleaner
6. Vacuum Cleaner
7. Dishwashing liquid
8. Laundry detergent
9. Fabric softener
10. Furniture Polish
11. Toilet brush
12. Cleaning sprays
13. Soft Polishing cloths.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Mon 13 May, 2024 9:32 am

Only dirty people wash. Never put off until tomorrow what can be put off to next week. Household chores are a pain. I do all the cleaning, washing and the like, then I have to do it all again next year.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby vagrom » Sun 19 May, 2024 5:01 pm

No one's spotted any skid marks on Mts Mary or Maud?

I used to wonder if walkers have ever explored the Crater area, but probably a bit gnarly. But the Bird River walk is very nice.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby north-north-west » Sun 19 May, 2024 6:27 pm

I used to wonder if walkers have ever explored the Crater area, but probably a bit gnarly.


There used to be a walking track into the crater from the McCall 4WD track; still shown on some maps but thoroughly overgrown now.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby vagrom » Sun 19 May, 2024 7:53 pm

Thanks NW. I remembered that Rob Parsons did a Youtube piece and just looked at it - first : a shipload of Bush flies and then, at 11 minutes, a piece of Darwin Glass.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Tortoise » Thu 30 May, 2024 10:24 am

For us oldies:
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby north-north-west » Fri 31 May, 2024 12:59 pm

Thanks. I needed a new earworm to replace Billy Connolly's Ivan the Terrible.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Moondog55 » Thu 20 Jun, 2024 8:00 am

I'm tempted to put Duttons announcement of seven nuclear power stations in place before 2035 here
Ve are too soon old und too late schmart
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Thu 20 Jun, 2024 2:30 pm

Government plans for national parks may include this.

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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Paul » Thu 20 Jun, 2024 2:49 pm

north-north-west wrote:
I used to wonder if walkers have ever explored the Crater area, but probably a bit gnarly.


There used to be a walking track into the crater from the McCall 4WD track; still shown on some maps but thoroughly overgrown now.



We used the track from Mt McCall 4wd track in to Darwin Crater when doing our Cannibal ? -Run !! adventure back in 2009 - it was OK back then.

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