Jokes and humour

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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby GBW » Wed 01 Mar, 2023 11:03 pm

"If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe"
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Moondog55 » Thu 02 Mar, 2023 5:52 pm

Just simply great
Many thanx, even Cecile is laughing her head off
Ve are too soon old und too late schmart
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Eremophila » Thu 02 Mar, 2023 10:09 pm

Getting older is weird
because you’re still that same enthusiastic kid
trapped in a sh*tshow of a body.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Moondog55 » Mon 06 Mar, 2023 8:05 am

Eremophila wrote:Getting older is weird
because you’re still that same enthusiastic kid
trapped in a sh*tshow of a body.


Getting notifications that people younger than yourself are dieing of "Old Age" is kind of scary sometimes
Ve are too soon old und too late schmart
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Son of a Beach » Wed 15 Mar, 2023 1:35 pm

I knew somebody who was studying to be a beautician at TAFE a few years ago. I even let her practice on my nails once (a nice lime green colour).

However, when I heard that she had missed a few sessions, I wondered if I should suggest that she take a make-up class.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Moondog55 » Wed 15 Mar, 2023 1:42 pm

We need to separate out all the dad jokes into a thread of their own so I can ignore them
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby vagrom » Sat 08 Apr, 2023 12:00 am

What could possibly go wrong ?
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Eremophila » Sat 08 Apr, 2023 5:52 pm

Moondog55 wrote:
Eremophila wrote:Getting older is weird
because you’re still that same enthusiastic kid
trapped in a sh*tshow of a body.


Getting notifications that people younger than yourself are dieing of "Old Age" is kind of scary sometimes


Reading about a member of "early 2000's pop group" S Club 7 having died. Now THAT's scary.

..... my brain is filling with all kinds of inappropriate jokes which I will keep to myself.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby north-north-west » Wed 31 May, 2023 7:28 am

A Möbius strip walked into a bar, sobbing. The bartender asks "Jeez, mate, what's wrong?"
Möbius strip replies "Where do I even start?"
"Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens."
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Wed 31 May, 2023 6:36 pm

A group of seniors were at their local coffee shop talking about all their ailments.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad, I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even write the numbers at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you," said one elderly lady.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."


***


My Favorite Things - Senior Version

Tune: My Favorite Things

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Biggles » Wed 07 Jun, 2023 12:06 pm

Lophophaps wrote:A group of seniors were at their local coffee shop talking about all their ailments.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad, I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even write the numbers at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you," said one elderly lady.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."


***


My Favorite Things - Senior Version

Tune: My Favorite Things

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.



ROFL! OH, way big laughs from these. Too funny!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
—Oscar Wilde, 1890.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Tortoise » Thu 08 Jun, 2023 10:03 pm

From a funny signs video on YouTube:

The amount of sleep the average person needs is 5 more minutes.

Welcome to the assumption club! I think we all know why we are here.

The inventor of the wind chill factor died recently. He was 82, but felt like he was 64.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby bearded bushwalker » Sun 11 Jun, 2023 10:46 am

I feel the journalists reporting the Elon Musk controversy as Elon Gate are stretching a bit.
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Be yourself, there is nobody better qualified.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Thu 06 Jul, 2023 3:01 pm

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said, "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter, and we got married. Later my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.

"Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.

"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I'm my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I'm my own grandfather!

"And you think you have family problems!"
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby vagrom » Thu 06 Jul, 2023 3:16 pm

Modern quotations:

Where there's a will there's a family.
Surgite et .. andiamo!
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Son of a Beach » Fri 07 Jul, 2023 9:14 am

Where do law-breaking rainbows go?

To prism.

It's a light sentence.

They get time to reflect.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Son of a Beach » Fri 07 Jul, 2023 9:15 am

Back in the '80's, I thought that all radios were boom-boxes. After a while, I realised that was just a stereo-type.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ribuck » Tue 18 Jul, 2023 1:04 am

These Artificial Intelligence image generators are quite amazing, being able to generate an image from a textual description, but sometimes they don't quite understand how the world works... :)
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Tue 18 Jul, 2023 9:57 am

That's a silly picture. I've climbed near there and fires are banned.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ChrisJHC » Tue 18 Jul, 2023 4:10 pm

I dunno - some of the Alone competitors build their fires under their tarps and then get surprised when it all burns down.


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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Biggles » Thu 20 Jul, 2023 2:26 pm

Is the fire the only bizarre stuff-up of AI that catches people's eye??
How about the leg, all akimbo... :lol:
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Aardvark » Fri 21 Jul, 2023 8:19 am

Not to mention the tent. Looks like two tents merged into one. Sloppy design.
Ever on the search for a one ended stick.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby north-north-west » Fri 21 Jul, 2023 11:34 am

I noticed the weird tent before the fire and the legs. And as there's so much snow so far down the rear mountainside, why is it bare where they're camping?
"Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens."
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Fri 21 Jul, 2023 2:01 pm

north-north-west wrote:I noticed the weird tent before the fire and the legs. And as there's so much snow so far down the rear mountainside, why is it bare where they're camping?


He's having a BBQ - Bear Grilles.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ribuck » Fri 21 Jul, 2023 5:10 pm

And where did the firewood come from?
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Moondog55 » Fri 21 Jul, 2023 6:12 pm

'Twas carried there by a long train of faithful tho under-paid coolies.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby north-north-west » Fri 21 Jul, 2023 9:28 pm

ribuck wrote:And where did the firewood come from?


I once met a bunch of twits near Mt Townsend who'd carried firewood up from somewhere down below (they came up via Dead Horse Gap). They claimed to have somehow not seen any of the signs about not having fires on the Main Range.
There were discouraged from using said wood when told that I'd dump all their gear on any fire they tried lighting there.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby north-north-west » Sat 29 Jul, 2023 8:24 am

The leprosy is bad this morning. Still, musn't crumble.
"Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens."
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Sun 30 Jul, 2023 7:48 am

What's got four legs and one arm? A Rottweiler.

I saw a sticker on a 4WD a long time ago that said "Do Not Take Overturning Vehicle."

President Biden has announced a new climate initiative. By 2025 all wildfires must be electric.

If as the saying goes "only the good die young", then I've discovered the secret of eternal life.

Yesterday I gave up my seat on the bus for an old lady. Today I was called into the office and told that I've lost my job as a bus driver.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Biggles » Mon 31 Jul, 2023 5:08 pm

On my evening walkies into town, I noticed down the darkened cul-de-sac a new restaurant called 'Karma'.
Wandered inside and asked the stony-faced maître d' if I could see the menu.

"There is no menu here! Instead, you get what you deserve.'
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