Jokes and humour

[Biggles]

One afternoon, a door-to-door salesman came to our house. My wife answered the door.
"Hello. Would you like to buy a book titled '500 Excuses to Tell Your Wife After Staying Out Late'?"

My wife asked, "Why on earth would I buy a book like that!?"

He answered, "Because I sold a copy to your husband earlier today."

[Son of a Beach]

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[north-north-west]

9qxk54lrr1d91.jpg

OK, that one is superb. Might even steal it for FB.

[Son of a Beach]

9qxk54lrr1d91.jpg

OK, that one is superb. Might even steal it for FB.

Yes... quite a bit of set-up involved to make that one work, but it's a corker.

(Nobody else in my family got it. Fair enough... none of them have seen the preview of 'Alien'. They're all a lot younger than I am - even Daughter-in-law of a Beach.)

[north-north-west]

In return:

[Tortoise]

Nobody else in my family got it. Fair enough... none of them have seen the preview of 'Alien'. They're all a lot younger than I am - even Daughter-in-law of a Beach.

Thanks for the link for us oldies who never watched Alien, nor even the trailer!

[Lophophaps]

Air Traffic Control Gems

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles…"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees."
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
"United 239 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this… I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the *&%$#! war."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the Tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

***

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Fort Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose-to-nose with a United 727. An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie Taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage at the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance to engage the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

[vagrom]

The unusual case of the dyslexic devil-worshipper, who sold his soul to Santa.

And the Indian who drank too much tea. He drowned in his Tipi.

Verbal agreements aren't worth the paper they're written on.

[Son of a Beach]

Farewell boiled water. You will be mist.

[Lophophaps]

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[Son of a Beach]

oh dear...

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[Lophophaps]

These should be good for the Larapinta or the Western Arthurs.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cx0s2E1M ... FlZA%3D%3D

[GBW]

These should be good for the Larapinta or the Western Arthurs.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cx0s2E1M ... FlZA%3D%3D

Haaaaa. Some of this fashion stuff is ridiculous. I'd like no. 4, the fur coat thanks.

[Lophophaps]

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[Lophophaps]

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[Lophophaps]

Day pack

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