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Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Sun 15 Oct, 2017 4:02 pm
by Moondog55
That's a sausage joke, one of the Wurst

Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Sun 15 Oct, 2017 5:59 pm
by ribuck
Q: What should you do if you find a snake sleeping in your tent?

A: Sleep out in the rain!

Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Sun 15 Oct, 2017 6:03 pm
by ribuck
There where two snakes talking. The first one said: "Are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around bushwalkers and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush bushwalkers and bite them and they are poisioned?"

Then the second snake says “Why do you ask?”. The first one replies: “I just bit my lip!”.

Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Sun 15 Oct, 2017 6:28 pm
by north-north-west
There is no such thing as a snake that bites someone to poison them. They're envenomated.

Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Sun 15 Oct, 2017 7:06 pm
by puredingo
I've been having a lot of brake fluid lately, my friends and family are concerned and think I'm addicted but I'm not...I can stop any time I want.

Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Sun 15 Oct, 2017 11:11 pm
by ribuck
north-north-west wrote:There is no such thing as a snake that bites someone to poison them.

There certainly is such a thing. Just not in scientific literature; only in casual speech. :)

(Obligatory joke: I once knew a snake that was so stupid it lost its skin. And another that wanted a steady job so it went to work as a public serpent. )

Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Tue 07 Nov, 2017 2:02 pm
by Lophophaps
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Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Thu 09 Nov, 2017 6:58 pm
by Lophophaps
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An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car - NOW!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The Sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment ... make it memorable.

Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Sat 11 Nov, 2017 8:19 am
by Neo
The elephant in you pack

Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Fri 17 Nov, 2017 1:40 pm
by Lophophaps
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Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Fri 17 Nov, 2017 3:20 pm
by MickyB
I was possessed by a demon, so we hired an exorcist. He got rid of the demon, then sent us a bill for $10,000, which we didn't pay. So he came back and repossessed me.

Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Mon 20 Nov, 2017 3:02 pm
by Lophophaps
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Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Thu 23 Nov, 2017 4:13 pm
by Lophophaps
Last Sunday, 19 November, on the tele.
Channel 7 at 9.15pm, First flight: secrets of the dreamliner. This is a new aircraft for Qantas.
Channel 72 at 9.30pm, Air crash investigations.

Many years ago there was a screening of Midnight Cowboy. They were in a bus going to Florida or the like. Harry Nilson was singing Everybody's talkin' as Dustin Hoffmann's character Ratso died on the bus, so close to where it was warm.
I'm going where the sun keeps shining,
Through the pouring rain.
Going where the weather suits my clothes.
Banking off of the northeast winds,
Sailing on a summer breeze,
And skipping over the ocean like a stone.

The next advertisement was for Greyhound coaches or a similar bus company. Oops.

Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Sun 26 Nov, 2017 10:48 am
by north-north-west
Lophophaps wrote:

Oh yes it is! Wish I'd thought of it.
In fact, it's almost a good enough incentive to go through the born-again *&^%$#!, just to do that. :D

Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Sun 26 Nov, 2017 1:03 pm
by Lophophaps
There was a bloke who was baptised as an adult, in a river, full submersion. As he came up on each of three times when he was pushed under he had to say "I believe." The first time was fine, and he said "I believe." The second time he was held under a bit too long and he came up sputtering, saying "I believe." He was given no chance to get his breath back and again was held under too long. When he came up he said "I believe you mongrels are trying to drown me." He did not use the word "mongrels".

For older people.

My Favourite Things

Quickeeze and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses,
Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts, porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak, when the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad!

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Heating pads, bathrobes, and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad!

Are you lonesome tonight?
Senior Citizen Version

Are you lonesome tonight?
Does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your Mylanta and Tums?
Does your memory stray,
To that bright sunny day,
When you had all your teeth and your gums?

Is your hairline receding?
Your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her,
And its prostate for him.
Does your back give you pain?
Do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Is your blood pressure up?
Good cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low fat cuisine?
All that oat bran and fruit,
Metamucil to boot.
Helps you run like
A well oiled machine.

If it's football or baseball,
He sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it's at
But forgets what it's for.
So your gallbladder's gone,
But your gout lingers on,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

When you're hungry, he's not,
When you're cold, he is hot,
Then you start that old thermostat war.
When you turn out the light,
He goes left and you go right,
Then you get his great symphonic snore.

He was once so romantic,
So witty and smart;
How did he turn out such
A cranky old fart?
So don't take any bets,
It's as good as it gets,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Tue 28 Nov, 2017 4:47 pm
by Moondog55
Blatantly stolen from a post at BPL

Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?

Well if it had 4 it’d be a chicken sedan.

Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Tue 28 Nov, 2017 5:22 pm
by Lophophaps
Chicken sedan - LOL! 9/10. I wonder why the chickens did not drive across the road.

Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Tue 28 Nov, 2017 5:23 pm
by MickyB
I hear they crossed a chicken with a centipede so everyone gets a drumstick.

Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Tue 28 Nov, 2017 5:28 pm
by Lophophaps
Love the above, many drumsticks!

What goes 99 clonk, 99 clonk?
A centipede with a wooden leg.

Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Tue 28 Nov, 2017 7:11 pm
by MickyB
Men and women are very different. For example, if you gave a woman the choice between kicking a goal in the AFL Grand Final or saving an infant's life, she'd save the infant without even looking at the scoreboard.

Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Tue 28 Nov, 2017 8:36 pm
by puredingo
My whole life as a youngster my father worked as a roofer...I always looked up to that man.

Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Wed 29 Nov, 2017 6:39 pm
by MickyB
I am sponsoring a child in Africa. I'm not sure what that means but I think there's a kid somewhere over there running around with my name on his jumper.

Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Sat 02 Dec, 2017 11:41 am
by Lophophaps
With rivers flooding in Victoria, the following shows a typical river crossing and how it is possible to be happy even when the water is deep.
River crossing.jpg
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Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Thu 21 Dec, 2017 7:13 pm
by MickyB
Why don't they move Christmas to May or June when the shops are not as busy?

Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Sat 30 Dec, 2017 2:55 pm
by Tortoise
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? "Dam."

Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Wed 03 Jan, 2018 5:49 pm
by Lophophaps
Q: Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
A: Because you can't drink and derive...

Q: Why didn't the quarter roll down the hill with the nickel?
A: Because it had more cents.

Q: Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A: He worked it out with a pencil.

Q: How many molecules in a bowl of guacamole?
A: Avacado's Number

Q: What happened to the plant in math class?
A: It grew square roots.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?
A: To get to the same side.

Q: How do you make seven an even number?
A: Take the s out!

Q: Why wasn't the geometry teacher at school?
A: Because she sprained her angle!!

Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
A: It's two gross.

Q: Why couldn't the moebius strip enroll at the school?
A: They required an orientation.

Q: What does a mathematician do about constipation?
A: He works it out with a pencil.

Q: Why is a math book always unhappy?
A: Because it always has lots of problems.

Q: Why don't you do arithmetic in the jungle?
A: Because if you add 4+4 you get ate!

Q: Why did I divide sin by tan?
A: Just cos.

Q: How do you know your math tutor is hungry?
A: He'll work for pi.

Q: Where do math teachers go on vacation?
A: To Times Square.

Q: What do you call friends who love math?
A: Algebros

Q: What do you call a number that can't keep still?
A: A roamin' numeral.

Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 8 9

Q: What does the zero say to the eight?
A: Nice belt!

Q: Why did the mutually exclusive events break up?
A: They had nothing in common.

Q: How is an artificial Christmas tree like the fourth root of -68?
A: Neither has real roots.

Q: How do you call a one-sided nudie bar?
A: A Mobius strip club.

Q: How does a math professor propose to his fianc�e?
A: With a polynomial ring!

Q: What do you get if you cross a math teacher with a crab?
A: Snappy answers.

Q: Why did the two 4's skip lunch?
A: They already 8 (ate)!

Q: What is the most erotic number?
A: 2110593!

Q: Why?
A: When 2 are 1 and don't pay at10tion, they'll know within 5 weeks whether or not, after 9 months, they'll be 3.

Q: What is a proof?
A: One-half percent of alcohol.

Q: What do you get if you add two apples and three apples?
A: A middle school math problem!

Q: What is the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher?
A: The mathematician only needs paper, pencil, and a trash bin for his work - the philosopher can do without the trash bin.

Q: What is non-orientable and lives in the ocean?
A: Mobius Dick.

Q: What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four

Q: How does a mathematician induce good behavior in her children?
A: `I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times...'

Q: What is the world's longest song?
A: "Aleph-nought Bottles of Beer on the Wall."

Q: How do you call the largest accumulation point of poles?
A: Warsaw!

Q: How do you know when you've reached your Math Professors voice-mail?
A: The message is "The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please, rotate your phone by 90 degrees and try again..."

Q: What is normed, complete, and yellow?
A: A Bananach space...

Q: What did 2 say to 4 after 2 beat him in a race?
A: 2 Fast 4 U!

Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar?
A: An algorithm!

Q: What did the mathematician's parrot say?
A: A poly "no meal"

Q: Why dont people put the numbers 2,3, and 0 together?
A: Because they are two turdy.

Q: What did one math book say to the other?
A: Don't bother me I've got my own problems!

Q: What is the definition of a polar bear?
A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transformation

Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?
Student: You told me not to use tables.

Dear Math, I am not a Therapist... Solve your own problems!

Applying For A Job
There are three people applying for the same job. One is a mathematician, one a statistician, and one an accountant. The interviewing committee first calls in the mathematician. They say "we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?" The mathematician, without hesitation, says "1000."

The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers "1000... I'm 95% confident." He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way.

When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: "what is 500 plus 500?" The accountant replies, "what would you like it to be?" They hire the accountant.

A newlywed husband is discouraged by his wife's obsession with mathematics. Afraid of being second fiddle to her profession, he finally confronts her: "Do you love math more than me?" "Of course not, dear - I love you much more!" Happy, although sceptical, he challenges her: "Well, then prove it!" Pondering a bit, she responds: "Ok... Let epsilon be greater than zero..."

Airport Security
A stats professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation. "I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!" "Sorry", the professor interrupts him. "I had never intended to blow up the plane." "So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!"

"Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That's quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn't have any peace of mind on a flight." "And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?" "You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my plane is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1,000,000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1,000,000, and I am much safer..."

George W Bush
A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math decides to register him at a catholic school. After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He's getting "A"s in math. The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?" "You know", the son explains, "when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!"

Ham Sandwich

If a ham sandwich is better than nothing and Nothing is better than Life, itself, does that mean that a ham sandwich is better than Life itself?

Wife or Girlfriend
A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend. The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment." The mathematician: "A wife. You have security." The computer scientist: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me..."

A mathematician, an engineer, and a computer scientist are vacationing together. They are riding in a car, enjoying the countryside, when suddenly the engine stops working. The mathematician: "We came past a gas station a few minutes ago. Someone should go back and ask for help." The engineer: "I should have a look at the engine. Perhaps, I can fix it." The computer scientist: "Why don't we just open the doors, slam them shut, and see if everything works again?"

Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Thu 01 Mar, 2018 4:11 pm
by Lophophaps
Constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of Artie. Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out of a spouse was $10,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Coles. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared.

(You're going to hate me for this...)





"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 at Coles"

Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Fri 02 Mar, 2018 7:42 am
by ribuck
Lophophaps wrote:(You're going to hate me for this...)

You're not wrong, but I didn't see it coming so it makes a good joke.

Anyway, last weekend I was on a club walk. There was a new member amongst the party, and she was running low on food.

"Let's give her some of our dehy food", suggested my wife.

"Why?", I replied. "What harm has she ever done us?"

Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Sat 03 Mar, 2018 5:16 pm
by Moondog55
ribuck wrote:
Lophophaps wrote:(You're going to hate me for this...)

You're not wrong, but I didn't see it coming so it makes a good joke.

Anyway, last weekend I was on a club walk. There was a new member amongst the party, and she was running low on food.

"Let's give her some of our dehy food", suggested my wife.

"Why?", I replied. "What harm has she ever done us?"


Re: Jokes and humour

PostPosted: Tue 06 Mar, 2018 2:52 pm
by bearded bushwalker
I'm fine!!!!!!!!

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company..
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road..... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that,
at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine.
Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor:
'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying,
I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road
when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer
right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder.. By Jaysus I was hurt,
very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'.
I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up.
He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her..
After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da flop would you say?'