Jokes and humour

For topics unrelated to bush walking or to the forums.

Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ribuck » Tue 22 Jun, 2021 8:22 pm

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Hike.

Hike who?

Budawangs calling,
Valley of the monoliths,
Nibelung above.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby GregG » Tue 22 Jun, 2021 8:39 pm

ribuck wrote:Three blondes were bushwalking in the Blue Mountains when they came across some tracks.

"These are dingo tracks", said one of the blondes. "No", said another, "they're wallaby tracks". "You're both wrong, they're definitely echidna tracks", said the third.

They were still arguing about it when the train hit them.


In the Blue Mountains? Damn bad luck that they were out on a weekend with no Track Work!!!
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Wed 23 Jun, 2021 7:55 am

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a "slide-rule" as well as a code device called an "abacus" that he claimed was a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "Al-Gebra has terrorized many young people for years. They derive solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values".

"They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we've determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."

As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle."
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lamont » Wed 23 Jun, 2021 10:41 am

ribuck wrote:Three blondes were bushwalking in the Blue Mountains when they came across some tracks.

"These are dingo tracks", said one of the blondes. "No", said another, "they're wallaby tracks". "You're both wrong, they're definitely echidna tracks", said the third.

They were still arguing about it when the train hit them.



Timeless dumb blonde joke-comedy gold.

Certainly truth in the old adage:
a quality joke,
never goes out of fashion.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ChrisJHC » Wed 23 Jun, 2021 5:30 pm

Since I’m married to a blonde and have a blonde son, I’d better respond with:

Why do they tell blonde jokes slowly?
So men can understand them!

Or alternatively, what do they call it when blondes dye their hair?
Artificial intelligence!
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Biggles » Wed 23 Jun, 2021 6:51 pm

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath.
She puts her foot in and pauses...
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea,
listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, "God, I sure hope I never get that forgetful," she knocked on wood.
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door!"
Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.
—Lao Tzu.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby wildwanderer » Mon 28 Jun, 2021 4:50 pm

We Australians might be a bit slow on the vaccine uptake...

but darn sure we pull out all the stops to get as much toilet paper and milk as we can at the first hint of a lockdown!
Literally no milk at my local coles today... heard it was elbow room only on Saturday in a frantic dash to fill up.

Apparently coles and woolies are open all week :shock: :lol:

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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Tue 29 Jun, 2021 11:59 am

This was the Victorian policy before the rest of Australia became infected.

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An isolated place such as Tassie's Central Plateau is looking good, perhaps a hut on a small island. I may have to withdraw my submission. The next trick is finding $3000 for six days or whatever the cost.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby GregG » Thu 22 Jul, 2021 3:07 pm

For those feeling lost .....
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Thu 22 Jul, 2021 4:25 pm

After my circumcision the clinic asked me to post a review. I said I won't be coming back again.

I've asked many people what LGBTQ stands for, but so far nobody has given me a straight answer.

I went on one of those "once in a lifetime" holidays recently. I'll tell you what, I'm never doing that again.

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump. But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

It's fashionable nowadays for parents to chose Spanish-Scandinavian names for their babies. There's Juan Bjorn every minute.

A photon walks into a hotel. The bellboy asks, "Do you have any luggage?" The photon replies, "No, I'm travelling light."

I saw a webpage about conjunctivitis the other day. It was a site for sore eyes.

If you die and come back as a hillbilly, is that reintarnation?
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby GPSGuided » Fri 23 Jul, 2021 7:53 am

Medical experts in London today were asked if it is time to ease the COVID lockdowns.
Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the government lacked the nerve.
Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Many Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while Paediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and pharmacists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow.
Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists were pissed off by the whole idea.
Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the *&^%$#@! in politics.
Just move it!
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ChrisJHC » Fri 23 Jul, 2021 8:46 am

GregG wrote:For those feeling lost .....
Or pull out a pack of cards and start playing solitaire.

Sooner or later someone will come along and tell you to put the red queen on the black king!
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Re: Jokes and humour Very non-PC

Postby Moondog55 » Sat 31 Jul, 2021 3:55 pm

A novice priests first solo mass.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied,
“When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the Monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:



Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his *&%$#!.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his *&%$#!.
We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Ve are too soon old und too late schmart
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Sat 07 Aug, 2021 10:47 am

https://www.theshovel.com.au/2021/08/06 ... melbourne/

Sydney Residents Told They Can Fill Out 2026 Census In Advance Because They’ll Know Where They’ll Be
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Sun 08 Aug, 2021 6:07 pm

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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby GregG » Mon 09 Aug, 2021 9:22 pm

You don't know what you can do until you try ....
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Sun 15 Aug, 2021 12:20 pm

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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Moondog55 » Mon 16 Aug, 2021 1:29 pm

Gleefully stolen

What's the difference between Covid19 and Romeo and Juliet?
One is the Corona virus and the other is a Verona crisis.
Ve are too soon old und too late schmart
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Sat 28 Aug, 2021 9:05 am

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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby GregG » Mon 30 Aug, 2021 2:16 pm

Comrades, a little dark humour for these dark times .....
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Tortoise » Thu 09 Sep, 2021 8:26 pm

I got an email the other day teaching me how to read maps backwards. Turns out it was just spam.

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?














A carrot.

P.S. I wondered why the frisbee kept on getting bigger. Then it hit me.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Fri 10 Sep, 2021 7:42 am

A dying man smells his favourite oat and raisin biscuits cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the biscuits cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife’s wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she says, “No, you can’t have those! They’re for the funeral.”
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby north-north-west » Mon 20 Sep, 2021 7:01 pm

Boris Johnson dies...
His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnson.
“I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush country house garden. Standing in front of it his dad...and thousands of other Conservatives who had helped him out over the years.......
The whole of the "Right" was there . . . Everyone laughing...happy...casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of the "suckers and plebs". They play a friendly game of croquet and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Johnson with a frosty drink, "Have a Marguerita and relax, Boris!"
"Uh, I can't drink any more, I’m watching my weight," says Johnson, dejectedly.
"This is Hell, Boris: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"
Johnson takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks. kind of like an Oxford undergrad. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Johnson steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours, Johnson is made to chill with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or mean joke among them; no fancy country seats and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special!
Worst of all, to Johnson, Jesus turns out to be some kind of hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' stuff.
"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Margaret never prepared me for this!"
The day is done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Johnson reflects for a minute, then answers:
"Well, I would never have thought I'd say this - I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all - but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of barren scorched earth called Brexit Britain covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste...
He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to Johnson and puts an arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Johnson, "Yesterday I was here and there was a country house and we ate lobster and
caviar....drank cocktails. We lounged around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us"
"Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens."
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ribuck » Tue 21 Sep, 2021 4:47 am

I saw a beautiful homeless girl and asked if I could take her out on a date. She politely accepted and seemed to enjoy the date.

Afterwards I asked if I could take her home, she smiled and nodded her head. Her smile disappeared when she saw me running away with her Big Agnes Copper Spur.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ribuck » Tue 21 Sep, 2021 5:05 am

One of the hardest things about leading bushwalking trips is administering first aid.

A blonde who was on one of my walks complained that she was in great pain. I asked her where the pain was.

She touched her cheek and said "ouch, it really hurts". She touched the top of her head and said "this is so painful". She touched her knee and said "this hurts so much". She touched the other knee and said "this is equally painful". She touched her nose and said "Ow! What do you think is wrong?"

"I see the problem," I said, "You've broken your finger."
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lamont » Thu 23 Sep, 2021 9:24 am

Still partying like it's 1976. Farrrk.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby north-north-west » Thu 23 Sep, 2021 5:03 pm

I can't work my boyfriend out. First he says "Yeah, fine, have a tattoo". But now he's whingeing about all the bagpipers in the garden ...
"Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens."
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Thu 23 Sep, 2021 7:20 pm

Home stretch ....png


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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby ribuck » Fri 24 Sep, 2021 12:07 am

People in Melbourne have experienced several tremors over the past few days.

People in Sydney said it wasn't their fault.
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Re: Jokes and humour

Postby Lophophaps » Fri 24 Sep, 2021 9:03 pm

Short notice I know, however….

A mate of mine won two tickets for the 2021 AFL grand final between Melbourne and Western Bulldogs in Perth next Saturday 25 September. The tickets include box seats plus airfares, penthouse accommodation, all food and grog supplied and $1000 for any other expenses.

When he won the tickets his Wedding date had not been set. He now finds out the only date available at the church for the wedding is on the same day as the Grand Final, so he can't go.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Carthages Cathedral at 5 PM on Saturday 25 September. She's a fairly nice looking woman, about 160 cm tall, clean, cute, great body and her name is Sally. She will be the one in the white dress.
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